Thursday, March 27, 2008

The damn fat lady and her stupid-ass singing

The fat lady has sung - we broke up.

I could tell you that I feel empowered because I was able to see that J-Dogg can't give me what I need, and because I was actually strong enough to do something about it. I could tell you that I'm hopeful for the future and for the possibility of finding someone who will be able to let me into their life. But since most of you have probably had a broken heart, and have mourned the loss of someone you really cared about, you know that's not what I want to say right now. Basically, I just want to wallow in self-pity and cry about how much I'm going to miss J-Dogg. However, I will resist the temptation and just give you a basic run down.

I knew it had to end because we were stuck in a pattern of arguments over one issue. We would have argued for months, years or maybe even decades over the fact that he is a wonderful man, who did a lot of wonderful things, but couldn't allow me to be part of his daily life...and didn't know how to be part of mine. But I'm sad. Really sad. Maybe because I love him and I know I hurt both of us, maybe because he swallowed his pride, got in the car and drove down to my parent's house (where I'm living with my puppy until I move) to see if he could mend whatever it was he did wrong (which I honestly don’t think he understands), and salvage our relationship. He even brought me a chocolate Easter bunny, which we had joked about last week.

Part of me wants to drive up there and be waiting in his apartment when he gets home from work. But the other part of me knows that it won’t change anything…he still won’t understand what I'm asking for. He still won’t consider me before making plans or call me randomly just because he misses me and wants to hear my voice. And I will never understand why he can't do those things simply because they are important to me, and because he loves me. It’s hard to think about all the things that he did right because there are so many...and thinking about them makes me cry. So instead, I have to focus on the fact that it wasn’t going to work...even though we both wanted it to.

But last night, standing outside my parent’s house, hugging goodbye, I was very conscious of the fact that he might be holding me for the last time. I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to stand there forever, with my face against his chest, smelling his familiar scent and feeling safe in his arms. For nine months he has been the thing I look forward to, a source of joy, laughter, comfort and desire in my life. Even though I know what I'm feeling is temporary and that things are going to get better, right now I can't see how I’ll ever find someone that makes me feel the way he does. Yes, the sadness will go away, but for now, it hurts to breathe.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry! I hope that once your heart is mended you will be able to find a partner who wants you in his life 24-7. I know that it is hard now, but it would have been worse if you woke up 5 years from now in the same position. Now at least you can heal and move on. Take care of yourself - go get a massage or a pedicure and hang with your girlfriends for awhile.

Anonymous said...

I realize this isn't the happiest of postings or topics for that matter, but I just have to say that the title is hilarious!