Monday, May 5, 2008

It's just a damn toothbrush

Last week I was feeling good. I was busy cooking up ways to implement my new plans to conquer the dating world, and I'd even agreed to go out with a very cute guy from Colorado. My first real date since the break-up. This new guy, we'll call him "Colorado Guy," had asked me to get together on Sunday evening for a hike to see the sun set over the ocean. Fun, right? Well, then life got in the way...

On Saturday night I felt like I'd been run over by chicken truck, so I decided to stay in to watch TV and go to bed early. The going to bed early plan was doomed by 9pm when I got the first text message from J-Dogg. I SWEAR I tried to ignore it, but eventually I broke down and responded. We hadn't spoken at all since I'd asked him to go to the grocery store with me a few weeks ago (it's pretty painful to type that now - man does it sound pathetic), and even though I've been doing really well since then, I'm human and I simply couldn't resist. The text message stated that he was out with friends, but that all he wanted was to hang out on the couch and watch a movie with me.

Over the next eight hours of rapid-fire texting and heated phone conversations, we dissected our entire relationship and I felt pretty much every emotion in the book - especially anger and desire. In the end, I successfully resisted his repeated invitations to "get together," but will admit to some seriously steamy phone-flirting and having to call on some hardcore willpower to keep from going to his apartment and curling up next to him. As you may have suspected, we didn't resolve anything and I was left with two hours of sleep, no voice and a very sore throat. No one's fault but my own. However, it did force me to reschedule my rendezvous with Colorado Guy...definitely a step backwards.

J-Dogg said a lot of things that night - including that he thinks about marrying me and having kids with me...someday - but there one thing that has really stayed with me: J-Dogg thinks he showed me "as much love and affection as any fiance would." I loved being with J-Dogg and don't have any anger or resentment toward him now, but this statement FLOORED me. Any guy I agree to spend the next sixty years with will probably want to talk to me nearly every day, and hopefully won't find it so painful to tell me the things I need to hear...that any woman needs to hear.

Since J-Dogg continues to read this blog, I'm sure that he will process this as yet another jab session, but my intention is not to cut him down. Not at all. I still have a lot feelings for J-Dogg, but the Saturday night post mortem on our relationship made it clear to me that I'm responsible for a lot of the pain I felt during in our relationship.

For instance, back toward the beginning, I was starting to wonder what all women secretly wonder - "where is this going?" However, being an idiot woman - as opposed to a smart women who would have understood that asking this question goes against a man's natural instinct to pursue - I tried to have a conversation with J-Dogg about my feelings. As we all know, he doesn't "do" emotional conversations, so I ended up spilling my guts and getting no verbal reassurance in response. Then, the next time I was over at his apartment, he presented me a pink toothbrush he'd bought for me to keep at his place.

The mental image of J-Dogg purchasing anything pink is incredibly endearing, but looking back, I'm MORTIFIED by the amount of joy I took from that stupid pink toothbrush. I saw it as a gesture of commitment and a sign of his feelings for me. Maybe that's how he intended for me to take it, but he never SAID any of those things...I invented the commitment/feelings story in my head - - something that I definitely can't blame on J-Dogg. For all I knew, the toothbrush merely meant that he liked having sex with me, and was willing to buy me a toothbrush so I would feel comfortable enough to continue having sex with him. Or, maybe he was grossed out by the prospect of me using his toothbrush. Either way, it's just a $2.99 toothbrush, not a commitment. In my opinion, boyfriend medals of honor should not awarded for the purchase of a toothbrush.

Again, my intention is not to take jabs at J-Dogg - I've dedicated an entire post to listing all the adorable things he did, but while I was constantly looking for meaning and wondering what was going to happen weeks and months down the road, J-Dogg was just enjoying having me around...when it was convenient for him. This doesn't (necessarily) make him a bad boyfriend, but it also doesn't make him good fiance or life partner material, at least not for me.


Laurie Stark said...

What a great post!

It's so hard in the moment to separate the fluff (a pink toothbrush) from what matters (not calling you for three days, etc.). Especially when you're really into the guy.

That sucks that J-Dogg's text made you skip your date with the cute Coloradoan (made-up word?). I hate when that happens. I suspect that J-Dogg didn't consciously send you that text to manipulate into remaining a back-burner option for him, but that was obviously the subconscious motivation. Even really nice people can do things like that-- it's nice to know that someone is into you and it's frustrating to see them moving on.

That said, it's a damn good thing that you didn't go to his house! Good for you!

Anonymous said...

I think X's have this special raydar for when their X is starting to move on. Wasn't it interesting that J-Dogg just happened to get in touch with you the night before you had a date with a new guy? And unfortunately he succeeded in screwing up your plans with Colorado Guy.... Be careful, you will never move on if you cointinue to let him disrupt your path to get over him! :)