Sunday, April 13, 2008

Break up sex and moments of clarity

I’m finally living in my new house, with my puppy. Emphasis on "finally." The move means no more staying with my parents, no more paying rent for an apartment in which I haven't lived for three months…and no more living next door to J-Dogg. During the days leading up to my move, I spent a lot of time at my old apartment packing and cleaning, and I saw J-Dogg several times. First, he helped me move some stuff to my new place, and then car problems left him stranded and he had to borrow my car. Seeing each other led to some flirting, text messaging and a couple of offers on his part for me to come over and “cuddle.” I managed to resist temptation, even though I would have loved to crawl into his bed and not miss him for a few hours. Then, a few nights ago I had an incredibly vivid dream about J-Dogg – the kind where you wake up right when you were getting to the good part, so you try desperately to fall back asleep because all you want is to finish the dream. The following day I felt like a Warner Brothers cartoon character – fielding commentary from the miniature devil sitting on my shoulder, heckling the cute little angel who’s been perched on my other shoulder since I got a clue and broke up with J-Dogg.

Angel: You’re not seriously considering break-up sex!?!?!?! You KNOW you’re looking for more than J-Dogg is ready to give – having sex with him will in no way, shape or form help you move on. In fact, it would be like eating a whole cheesecake after a week of dieting. You’ve worked so hard to come this far, then after just a few minutes of bliss (or, J-Dogg’s case, an hour) you’ll be left with only an endless treadmill session to keep you company. Think about it, it’s just not worth the price.

Devil: That might be true, but NEVER in your life have you been so attracted to someone…you can literally feel when the two of you are in the same room. Maybe it doesn’t make sense, maybe it didn't turn out to be true love, but merely standing next to him causes electricity to flow through your veins. And, who knows how long it will be until you have sex with someone new…it could be months or even a year. You’re not over him anyway, so what harm is one little roll in the hay gonna do???

Regretfully, this ended up being the same day when I legitimately needed a favor from J-Dogg. My roommates weren’t home and I was under house arrest because the pup is having serious adjustment issues due to the move (potty in the house, separation anxiety, throwing up, etc.). I’d literally been trapped in the house with no food (dog or human), no shower, no exercise and no human interaction for two full days. I felt like a single mom with a newborn baby. I finally called J-Dogg and asked him if he could come over and watch the puppy while I went for a run and got some dog food. While I was out on my run, one of my roommates came home. We all chatted for a bit, but since I had new puppy back-up, there wasn’t much reason for J-Dogg to stick around. Out of nowhere I had an overwhelming desire to hang out with him…I just wanted to be near him. In a moment of weakness I asked him to keep me company at the grocery store, admitting that I simply missed him and wanted to hang out. His response was a combination of “that’s not my first priority,” “it’s not a good idea," "I thought you were going to be strong?” and “wanna get naked?”

That was the moment. I didn’t realize it at the time because I was blinded by intense pain, fierce anger, blatant fear and, thankfully, resolve, but that was the moment when my heart finally gave up on J-Dogg.

I’m not saying that I’m over it, that I've stopped missing him or that I haven’t thought about him since that night, but in that moment I suddenly knew that:
  • I was never going to be a priority for J-Dogg
  • I can’t see or talk to J-Dogg for awhile. DUH.
  • It's his loss
  • I need to go on dates with people who ask me out. Carrying around a torch for J-Dogg is as much of a waste of time as dating him.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Did you sleep with him?!?!?!