How hard should love be?

I've gotten several questions about my last post - "what caused you to write that posting?" "Did J-Dogg do something to piss you off?" Well, I am upset with J-Dogg, but I've been trying (almost desperately) not to use this blog as a method of communicating with my boyfriend. However, his brother, J-Junior, is currently in town, and I have a guest coming to stay with me the day after Junior leaves. So, there is a possibility that I won't be able to talk to J-Dogg about this stuff for another week and a half. That said, this blog is intended to be an open, honest, real-time forum for my thoughts and feelings about relationships (mine and other people's) and my experiences with being a woman in today's world. Lately, I've been censoring myself more and more when it comes to my relationship because I don't want to use this blog as a communication crutch. But the censorship has to stop. So, even though I know it might cause a fight, I'm going to publish the post I originally wrote on Sunday, before I posted "I hate men today." Here goes...

- - - - - - - -
Relationships are hard - definitely not a news flash. There is compromise, sacrifice and occasionally, hurt feelings. But how hard should it be? At what point should you "take your ball and go home?" I'm not talking about the big reasons like infidelity or abuse, I'm talking about the other stuff, the gray areas.

My current gray area is communication. As you've probably gathered from past posts, J-Dogg is not much of a communicator. Maybe because it feels like something he has to do, since we've had so many arguments about it, but he has no problem going three days without knowing what I'm up to or telling me what he's been doing. I would probably be able to accept this (at least a little better) if it weren't for the fact that he updates his status on Facebook and MySpace religiously with things like: "Patrolling Westwood" or "Working on my tan" or "Drinking with my buddies." In fact, when I had a Facebook account, I knew WAY more about my boyfriend's day-to-day life than I do now. I know J-Dogg would roll his eyes and be violently annoyed if I said this, but girls, I know you'll understand: it makes me feel like his absolute last priority when communicating with me comes after checking his MySpace page and updating his Facebook status.

Another frustration is that when I'm with him, I see that he is CONSTANTLY texting and chatting (via blackberry) with his buddies. I see him responding instantaneously to any number of his friends, but if I send a text, I never know if I'll get the courtesy of a response. Recently a girlfriend (who also happens to be friends with J-Dogg) and I were trying to make plans for a Saturday night and I said, "oh, J-Dogg's at home, let's stop by and see what he and Jed are up to tonight." My friend responded, "No, they aren't home, J-Dogg just texted me that he is at Hennessey's." Awesome. And, it wasn't the first time I'd been embarrassed that several of all our mutual friends talk to J-Dogg more than I do.

So you're probably asking "WHY the HELL do you put up with this?" Well, J-Dogg does SO many things right, I thought it was worth the effort to work on this particular issue. And occasionally, he will surprise me. The other day I found out that he'd spent a good chunk of time looking online for apartments for me (I have to move because of my dog). I was sincerely touched - I usually just assume that I'm not on his mind because I rarely hear from him. Plus, when we are together, I love the way he treats me - he is considerate, affectionate and a lot of fun to be around. Because of these things, I've been trying to accept that just because he doesn't communicate with me, doesn't mean he doesn't care about me or isn't thinking about me (even though that's how it makes me feel).

But I don't know how I feel anymore. It was hard to let him back into my life after the Facebook incident and at the time of reconciliation he swore up, down and backwards that he would never slide back into his old communication habits again. I guess I shouldn't be too shocked to find myself in almost the exact same place I was three months ago (there have been some improvements). The truth is, if you were a stranger, and followed me around for a week, you'd probably think I was single or casually dating someone. If I did hear from J-Dogg, you'd think he was a friend/hook-up. I don't like pretending to be oblivious to the fact that it seems like he doesn't want to talk to me. I feel silly hoping that he is going to start including me in his life on a daily basis, only to be disappointed. These things are eating away at my confidence in this relationship. He isn't holding up his end of the bargain and I'm beginning to think I might not be able to hold up mine...