Thursday, September 4, 2008

An interesting night

On Thursday I was supposed to write an eloquent and persuasive letter on behalf of one of my clients. However, I wasn't feeling particularly eloquent or persuasive. I was feeling annoyed.

I wasn't annoyed at anything in particular, but at everything in general. I was annoyed that some women don't exercise and are just naturally thin. I was annoyed that I'm not particularly stimulated by my job, but that fear of failure keeps me from pursuing my secret aspirations. I was annoyed that people don't use their turn signals when it's SO easy to do. I was annoyed that my Guy Roommate STILL hasn't grasped the concept of putting things INSIDE the dishwasher, instead of next to it. I was annoyed that people keep telling me I'll find love "when I'm not looking for it." What a load of crap. Not that finding love is the sole focus of my life, but unless I become a bitter, haggard woman living in a small apartment with a bunch of cats, I seriously don't see how I will ever not be looking for love...until I find it.

But mostly, I was annoyed that I was annoyed. Luckily, it was Thursday, and the best remedy for a grumpy mood is Thursday night date night with my Girl Roommate. I thought going out with my roommie was a great idea until I got to the bar and came face-to-face with MML for the first time since he ended things.

MML was with FunnyMan and Hair, two of my favorite people, and we all had a happy reunion. I figured we would get the hugs and hellos out of the way, and then my Girl Roommate and I would continue with our evening.


MML was clearly drunk, and it was mere seconds before he was all over me. He was dancing with me, on me, or around me for the majority of the next several hours. His buzz made him deeply aware that there is nothing sexier to a woman trying to have a conversation with someone else, than a man who dumped her, coming up and ramming his butt in to her crotch and stomach. Sexy.

As the night went on, and I was laughing and talking with my friends, he was kissing my cheek, rubbing my back, sweeping my bangs off my forehead and pulling me as close to him as physically possible. He couldn't stand it when I wasn't paying attention to him, he couldn't stand it when I was talking to his friends and not to him, and he couldn't stand it when I was looking at the crowd and not dancing with him. Confused, I didn't overtly reject his advances. Instead, I quietly, gently and consistently moved his hand, his lips, and his body away from me. MML finally left the bar to go home, and I stayed for awhile as my Girl Roommate's wingwoman. When I got home, I wasn't at all surprised to find the following text from MML: "What are you doing?" Although 20 responses ranging from scathing to flirty came poring into my head, I managed not to respond at all.

The part of me that was abruptly dumped by someone I was beginning to have sincere feelings for, was triumphant and satisfied by this display of attention. But the part of me that wants to stop dating the wrong guys and find something lasting and real, was stunned to see a man who had spent three months convincing me that he was ready to move into the next stage of his life acting like a spoiled two-year-old who wasn't getting his way.

My limited interactions with MML since things ended between us, have made it increasingly clear that the guy I thought I was dating was partially a fraud. MML presented himself as a man with all the pieces of his life in place - a man who was happy with his life and ready to share it with someone. I sincerely believe he wanted to be that man, and I certainly wanted him to be that man...maybe we are both at fault for allowing ourselves to live in a fantasy world. But seeing him now, pouting when the girl he dumped won't come running back to his embrace, I see that he was a man-child playing dress-up. He was role playing with me; trying on adulthood like a costume for some play. I could be flattered that he cast me as his leading lady, but I'm not looking for a role-playing partner, I'm looking for a life partner.

Maybe it's hindsight, maybe it's my annoyed mood, but I'm hoping that I'm ever-so-slightly more wise having been able to resist a charming, successful and adorable guy to see a potentially hurtful situation. Plus, with the cat-lady years still safely in my future, I'm optimistic enough to let myself think that this experience will bring me one step closer to finding someone wonderful, someone who really is ready to share their life with me.


Laurie Stark said...

you = my hero

I'm not sure if I would have had the willpower to resist (actually, in this particular case, I probably would have, but it would have been hard), but you were for sure right for doing so.

Good luck finding someone worthy of your awesomeness. Not to say that MML isn't worthy of SOMEONE'S awesomeness, I'm sure he is. Just not yours.

Anonymous said...

I think you are growing and learning. We are all wiser woman from failed relationships and you are more self aware than most:)

Jade said...

Right on.

Mili said...

hiii....i'v just recently started reading ur blog n i must say i luv it....but i don't agree with wt u did or the previous guy is going to be perfect.....evry1 will hv sme qualities missing.....even 4 him u mite not b the girl of his dreams......u care 4 him n obviously he does 2.....u guys shud hv gone 4 ur 2nd chance...not evry1 gets it...