Sunday, September 28, 2008

When TAF goes MIA

I could say that I haven't written lately because I've been crazy-busy keeping my little business afloat during a time of economic ruin. I could say that I've been dealing with health and family issues, and a teenage dog that has enough angst and emotional baggage to rival good 'ol Brit Spears. While all of these statements are true, they aren't the reason for my blogging delinquency. I wish I could say that I've been too busy dating an endless string of delicious and interesting men to find time to chronicle my man-capades (thanks for the new term, Nicole ;-). But that would be a flat-out lie.

Some of my favorite bloggers write their most poignant, hilarious or thought-provoking posts when they are feeling conflicted. But for me, writing usually comes in moments of clarity and evolving life perspective.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been fighting a vague loneliness. While this loneliness isn't specific to a person or event, it's been so exhausting that I find I'm uninterested in things that ordinarily bring me joy, satisfaction or hope.

Years ago I had a dream about love. It wasn't an over-the-top romantic fantasy where a knight-like character comes to sweep me off my feet; it merely featured a faceless man and an overwhelming feeling of love. To this day, I've never had a dream or real-life experience that could rival that feeling.

I'm a lot of things. Sentimental and emotional are certainly on that list, but sappy and unrealistic are not. So why have I been missing someone I don't know...someone I can't identify...someone I haven't even met?

I know I'm not the first person to feel this kind of loneliness, and I know it doesn't make me sappy or (gasp) un-feminist, but the longer I'm unable to shake my emotional rain cloud, the harder it is to ignore the fear creeping in like a drunk teenager who broke curfew.

I've stood boldly behind my declaration that I'm ready to find a life partner, and I've tirelessly defended the difference between being ready to find a life partner and wanting to get married. While my dedication to defending the latter hasn't budged, I'm beginning to question where I stand on the former: if I'm not completely content in my life as it is, am I really ready to meet the faceless man? If my goals and my life aren't enough to make me leap out of bed in the morning, could it be that I still have some work to do before I'm the person I need to be in order to open my life to someone else?

I'm working on the answer to that question, but in the meantime, I'm also going to work on finishing the numerous blog posts I've started in the past couple weeks...I might even try striking up a conversation with my quiet neighbor who has long hair (it's a little too Fabio-esque for my taste, but I think he's going for more of a surfer dude look, so I'll let it slide) and beautiful blue eyes.

1 comment:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

"... if I'm not completely content in my life as it is, am I really ready to meet the faceless man? If my goals and my life aren't enough to make me leap out of bed in the morning, could it be that I still have some work to do before I'm the person I need to be in order to open my life to someone else?"

Oh man, girl. I do not know. But I have the same questions.